Past Experiences, Present Beliefs and Future Fears

Eric and I spent the afternoon with friends today. Part of our discussion was on the recent shooting in Florida and our feelings about “fault”. I don’t typically write anything political, mainly because I don’t feel qualified. My knowledge is based on what I read and I try to read information on both sides of each argument. I truly believe, however, that everything that I read is swayed by the author’s past experience, present beliefs, and future fears, just as my writing is. Regardless, I felt the need to write tonight. I figured I would label it to make it easier just so you know where my head is.

Past Experience – In 1979, I was a sophomore in high school. Columbine would not put school shootings in the public eye for another 22 years. Each day, I would board the bus to school while my mother dropped off my siblings at the neighborhood elementary school. Life was pretty predictable until January 29th; it was a Monday. While I was on the school bus that day, a student from my high school stayed home. She wasn’t thinking about her math test, or her English homework or really anything other than her boredom with the day. She would become the inspiration for the song – “I don’t like Mondays”. On that particular Monday, Brenda Spencer took a 22 caliber rifle and started shooting at the elementary school directly across the street from her house. The principle and custodian were killed and eight children were injured. My sister’s kindergarten class lined up each morning directly across from Brenda’s house. What saved her and her entire class that day was the weather. Her teacher let them into the class early instead of making them line up as usual. My brother, however, was in a group of kids that saw the Principal killed. My mother dealt with an incredible amount of guilt from dropping her children off and hearing the first shot – which she assumed was a car backfiring. Everyone in the neighborhood was impacted. We all hoped it was an anomaly. Children don’t kill other children. Who would have known that it would become commonplace?

In 2001, my children were attending elementary and middle school – two blocks from our house. Five miles down the road was their future high school, where our friends’ teenagers attended. On March 5th, Charles Williams walked onto the school grounds with a revolver and killed 2 students and wounded 13 others. None of the teenagers that I knew were physically harmed but the emotional scars were evident. Three weeks later, one of my best friends would be on lockdown at a neighboring high school while Jason Hoffman opened fire and wounded five people. After those horrible days, our neighborhood schools would lock down quickly for anything that looked suspicious. I think it became the new normal for us.

I believe I have only met the criteria for “hysterical” once in my life. It was on the day that my friend was locked in a classroom, trying not to get shot. I came home and looked at my husband’s gun and just lost it. I was not raised with guns and had a very valid fear of them at that point. My husband was new to parenting, having taken on three young boys. We had agreed that he would find another place to store his gun and we had a timeline for doing so. On the day that Jason Hoffman did his damage and after hearing that my friend was safe, I went home and looked at the gun and just snapped. I backed up my van to our garage and loaded everything that looked remotely related to shooting and drove straight to the Sheriff’s office. It never occurred to me that driving through the streets with a carload of guns and ammunition while crying hysterically may not have been a good idea – fortunately, my neighbors weren’t watching and didn’t report me as some kind of terrorist. The Sherrif actually tried to talk me out of giving up the gun but I was convinced at that point – I didn’t want it in the house. My husband and I worked through it – he’s a good man and knows that it was better at that point to be safe…rather than sorry.

Present Beliefs – I’m a Christian female nurse that works as a Nursing Dean at a small college. I do send thoughts and prayers but also understand how hearing that as an answer to a tragedy can be maddening and belittling. I pray for our Country and the escalating uncertainty that seems to be spiraling. I pray for our kids – even though mine are all adults now. I pray for my grandchild that will be born this year because at some point, they will be going to school somewhere, and potentially experience this horrible situation.

So here are my current beliefs. I don’t support the right to own an assault rifle but do support people’s right to own a gun. I believe we have horrible mental health care in this country. I tried to help a family friend get mental health care recently and it took a week for anyone accepting her insurance to answer the phone. We were turned away from a mental health clinic (in spite of me offering to pay cash) because she had insurance. I believe that we have GP’s passing out anti-depressants like candy and that many people need therapy rather than more medication. I believe that we are all a product of our past experiences and they shape the way we value human life, our own life and the rights of others around us.

I believe that we live in a world of personal rights that extend over personal responsibility. I believe that this is not a “gun problem” or “mental health problem” or “parenting problem” but a multi-faceted societal problem that requires a multi-faceted societal answer and the one thing I do know is that it is everyone’s problem. If we focus solely on the AR-15, I think we’re missing something. Brenda Spencer did not have an AR-15 almost 40 years ago but she still did an incredible amount of damage. It is true that an automatic weapon does more damage in a short amount of time but if the goal is to eliminate school shootings altogether, we need to dig deeper. If we focus solely on the mental health, we are still missing something. While anti-social behavior has it’s markers, not everyone that fits a diagnosis is dangerous. Oh…and I don’t trust any politicians and I believe they are all in someone’s pocket so I don’t easily look to them to solve any of this, unfortunately.

I support a change in gun laws that still enable law-abiding adults to own guns, but not automatic weapons and that the sell of modifiers should be illegal. I support a change in mental health care that provides actual care rather than just medication. And I support starting programs that help parents to have time to parent and finding ways that we don’t have so many kids left to their own devices most of the time. We need to look at how we teach kids to interact with each other and how to respect human life….and we need to have better mental health care…and we need to take away the ability to modify weapons…and…and…and. I think the solution has to come from all of us – and it has to start with listening and talking.

Future Fears – I fear that we will do nothing. I fear that nothing will change. I fear for the children in the next school shooting. I fear for my grandchild. And yes, I pray.

So – Past experience, Present beliefs, and Future fears. You have it all on me now. I have had this swirling in me all week and had to dump it out somewhere. How are you dealing with everything? And where do we go from here?