One of my best friends turned 50 three years ago. I developed a Turning Fifty Toolkit for her to provide some insight into aging from a nursing perspective. What are your thoughts? Did I miss anything?
Turning 50 Toolkit
Turning 50 is in no way a curse…a death sentence…a loss of all sense and reason. No! Turning 50 is an amazing time of self-assurance, etc… There a few things that will be changing, but have no fear…with a little preparation, one can live in their 50’s with little to no disability. This kit has been selected by a Registered Nurse to ensure that you are prepared for the physiological and psychological changes that are about to take place. Enjoy your last day in your 40’s….there is no turning back now!
Musculoskeletal
We all know that exercise is vital in middle age to maintain cardiac health. Empty nesters everywhere are returning to the walking, running or heading to the gym. We have noticed, however, one unfortunate phenomenon. Apparently, the warranty on your hips, knees, and shoulders expires on your 50th birthday. While we must advocate for you to continue exercising, we have prepared you with an assortment of painkillers, joint braces, and muscle rubs. MD’s have long been aware of the warranty which allows them to respond to every ache and pain with…” you’re just old.”
Gastrointestinal
You have enjoyed 50 years of an active GI system. Unfortunately, this evening, everything will slooooowww down. That lack of movement causes not only constipation but….a build of gas. We recommend that you watch for anything that is particularly gassy to middle-aged women – spicy food, broccoli, eggs…anything in the carb family….actually…anything in the protein and fat family also. Oh….and water. If you stay away from all food, you may be able to stay away from any gassy episodes. If not, do what the rest of us do – blame it on the person standing next to you. We have included a sample size Gas relief product for this evening. Feel free to share.
Genitourinary
While the GI system can be out of control, you will maintain control of your bladder. As long as you plan on finding a bathroom at least every hour. To aid in this, we will send you a link to the new Charmin SitorSquat Bathroom finder. The app is guaranteed to aid you in finding facilities prior to peeing your pants. We would recommend placing the app in a prominent place on your cell phone. We will send you a sample size of depends to keep in the car in case you forget your phone.
Vision
You may have noticed that your eyes made some changes in their 40’s. Most of us have already been wearing reading glasses. You may have opted for cute, handpicked glasses that fit your face beautifully. Now it’s time to buy in bulk since you will no longer be able to see not only to read without your glasses…but you’re no longer able to see to FIND your glasses. We recommend at least one pair in every room and one pair with a clapper attached. If you can’t find any of them….feel the top of your head. That’s where I usually find mine.
Memory
This is every 50-year old’s biggest fear. Will I lose my short-term memory? Will I lose my long-term memory? Will I lose my language skills? The answer is…yes. But with a few minor changes in your routine, you will notice very little.
- 1. Don’t play Words with Friends with anyone under 50.
- Don’t have a serious discussion with anyone under the age of 70. When you are describing your ____ as a doohickey….they will be too busy trying to remember your name to notice.
- You will forget where your keys are…where your glasses are…and where that birthday check is that I gave you. It’s ok – just take care of the big things. We recommend always using valet. At least you will know where your car is.
- We have included a thesaurus – It most likely will not help but looked good in the box.
Menopause
There are many home remedies that are supposed to take care of hot flashes. We recommend keeping a fan nearby (included in your box!) and trying to look at your hot flashes in a positive light. You will save on your electric bill as you no longer need heating. Your need to wear cotton products only is better for the environment. You will look like you are constantly exercising which make everyone think that you are in good cardiac health. You constant state of wetness allows for fewer showers which aides our current drought.
We hope that your Turning 50 Tool Kit will provide some relief from the concern and fear that plague women when this milestone birthday hits. Remember that by making minor changes in your current habits, you too can live on for another 50 years unencumbered by fear of aging. If this has not helped, remember this also – another way to relieve the frustration of being fifty-something is to constantly seek new ways of irritating the young. Fortunately, in old age, you develop the ability to do this naturally in every single thing you do or say.
Now to start working on the Turning 60 Toolkit! Any ideas?
Mothering, Marriage and Menopause 
Haha! When I started to have a few little things go wrong healthwise my doctor simply said: “Welcome to your fifties.” I wanted to reply with a quote by David Mamet. “Old age and treachery will always beat youth and exuberance. The first time I saw that I was in my twenties and a college professor of mine was sporting that t-shirt. I was amused. Now I’m REALLY amused! 😉
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The quote is true…I’m a believer. Although, my old age and treachery come with a lot of aches and pains! Thanks for the comment!
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Haha! I just learned about the sitorsquat app. I have not downloaded it, but I’ve thought about it! At last, an app that helps someone in their ‘golden years.’ And the gas thing made me laugh so hard, I farted. That’s what happens when you are over 60. 😉
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Well that will be a whole new kit! With turning 55 this year, I think I’ll add tape to hold back the neck if mine is any indication of things to come!
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