What Does Depression Look Like?

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about Suicidal Ideation.  I had someone ask me what my depression looked like when I was at my worst.  I had to stop and think because I’m not sure what it looked like from the outside since I was experiencing it on the inside. Here is as close as I can come:

It looked like me trying to drive my son to get his pictures taken before his prom and not being able to get out of the car because I’d been crying all day.

It looked like an anxiety attack in the middle of church when I had to run out of the building and hold onto a tree. It was the only thing not spinning at the moment.

It looked like me being trapped in my own head telling myself over and over what a bad mother I was and how I would never be able to make up for my mistakes.

It looked like my laying in the bed crying and seeing my husband looking helpless and unsure how to help.

It looked like someone walking around with a heaviness in their chest. Depression is a physical feeling along with the emotional state. It felt like a tumor in my gut. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

At times, it looked like how my mother looked after she lost her ability to speak.

It looked like a mask that I wore because I felt guilty for being so ungrateful for my life.  I have so much…why aren’t I thankful? Why can’t I feel happy?  I think of Elsa in Frozen – Conceal, Don’t feel, Don’t let them know… I believe that is the mantra for many people with depression.

It’s a bit strange to look back at it since my thought process is, albeit not always completely rational, much more kind to myself that it was then. I make mistakes daily. I am not the perfect mother. I get distracted easily (I’m really not fun to talk on the phone with…just ignore that typing sound!) I don’t have any symptoms of depression right now. I know, however, that the odds are that it will return at some point. The difference now is that I know what it looks like and so do several people around me. I know that I may need medication in the future. I’m Ok with that.

As a nurse, I also feel the need to say, medication is only half the answer. Medication without therapy won’t deal with the emotional issues. We are a product of our past experiences and some of those experiences leave scars. Find someone trained to help you navigate those emotions.  Realize also, that you may have to see a few to find a good fit.  Therapy is deeply personal and requires trust. Without trust, you won’t be open about what’s going on inside.  Therapy also requires work. Mine gave me homework each session but it helped (even though I didn’t always want to do it!)

If you have depression, don’t face it alone. Make sure someone knows what your depression looks like. Unfortunately, once it takes hold, it starts whispering in your ear again and that can block out everyone else. Life is worth living…something I remind myself every day. I hope you remind yourself also.