The Humiliation Never Ends…

Does anyone else every lie in bed reliving your most humiliating moments? The memories don’t plague me often, but when they do, I can really question how I ended up in charge of a nursing program and owning my own business. On a positive note, the memories definitely keep me humble which I found encourages much more forgiveness from others when I stumble, so I do sense that they have a purpose.

A few nights ago, I started reviewing my most embarrassing moments and came up with one for each decade. It feels like there are many more, but these topped the list.

1. At the young age of seven, I got dressed in my bedroom and walked out to see my family…without my pants on. I was fortunately wearing underwear but I believe my mother questioned how I could make such a mistake since she had just laid my pants on my bed. I had actually looked at the pants right before I exited and literally did wonder why I had two pairs of pants on my bed, obviously never taking the time to actually look down…at my naked legs. I feel the need to say that I have only made that mistake once.
2. Ten years later, at age seventeen, I was young, curvy and cute (in my mind) and did have my pants on when I went to a new church. The guitarist in the band was older and very good looking and continued to look my way each time he was playing. Awesome, I thought – new church AND a date! Can the day get any better? After church, I caught his eye and he walked over to me. Yep…here it comes, I thought, the beginning of a beautiful relationship. And that was the day that a married man had to stumble through an awkward conversation about his wife sitting right behind me and that he was actually looking at her the entire time. Red-faced, I then had to leave with no date and also needed to find another new church.
3. Another ten years later, at age 27, I went to my ten-year high school reunion. I still remembered to wear pants, and had not only found a date but had gotten married…and was in the middle of a divorce. I started talking to several of my old classmates who were managing businesses, had finished college, were working as professionals and what did I have to share? I was going through a divorce, pregnant with two toddlers and on welfare….not what you would consider a great success since high school. It did ensure that I would attend the 20 year reunion so I could assure everyone that my life was back on track.
4. Ten years later, life had indeed gotten better. I was now a single mother of three incredible boys and a working RN. My job was to provide the health care for 18 autistic and developmentally disabled teenagers and young adults. On one rather hectic day, one of my charges put his hand through a window, causing a gash that needed stitches. Off we went to the ER with me, the patient and two staff to help out. He could be somewhat aggressive when frightened as I experienced on a previous day when he gave me two black eyes with a head butt. We got to the ER, and the nurses gave him a sedative to help out. All of us took an area to hold while the doctor started stitching. I was at his thighs with the injured hand directly in front of me. Have I ever mentioned that I would faint at the sight of blood when I was a child? It was a horrible problem but one that I outgrew as a young mother of boys. The last time it had happened was around age 18 during a blood draw. Even though it had been almost 20 years since the last occurrence, I recognized the signs – peripheral vision starting to close in, sweaty face and feeling sick to my stomach. I put my head down hoping that it would pass…no such luck. I looked up and caught the eye of the doctor who yelled – “Put her on the floor! She’s going to pass out!” So now, one of the staff holding our patient literally did, throw me on the floor so she could get back to holding his legs. I sat for the remainder of the procedure, trying to stay conscious and hoping that the MD had not put together than I was actually the nurse. This may top as my all time most humiliating moment.
5. Another ten years later – I was then wearing pants on a daily basis, avoiding eye contact with everyone since I didn’t want to come on to married men or inform MD’s that I was useless, but had completed my BSN and was working towards my Masters Degree. At that point, I was managing a nursing program and overseeing about 30 nurses and 400 students. I felt good, in spite of experiencing chronic symptoms of peri-menopause. One of the best days as a nursing director is taking part in the nursing pinning ceremony for our new grads. On this particular day, I was not only pinning the grads but also giving the speech, which covers the history of the ceremony dating to Florence Nightingale. As my part of the service came up, I stepped up to the mic and started my speech, at which point, the worst hot-flash that I’ve ever experienced commenced. My face started dripping and brain fog descended on me like San Francisco morning. My speech became a stumble of random words including pin…candle…Florence…and lets commence with the ceremony! The audience looked like they were trying to decipher if I had been drinking or more hopefully, having a stroke. I backed away from the mic and let the other nurses take over. I have not given the speech since.

So there you have it. Five decades of humiliation and I’m still alive to relive all of it on a regular basis. It has not escaped me that I will be 57 this year so I’m due for another episode.

I’ll keep you posted.

At least I’ll be wearing pants.